A Year Ago

Exactly one year ago today, I woke up to a gray, cold, wet day. I got up from bed, looked out the window, and prayed a small, but sincere prayer: "God, please help me to serve you no matter what the circumstances are." Twenty-four hours later I was on a plane bound for Port-au-Prince, Haiti. Friends, who has an extra plane ticket for their mission trip, had invited me to come with them.

I still remember Pastor Pierre's voice when I called to tell him I was in Haiti. I remember his shock at the fact that I was staying at a house along Vincent Stenio - that I was close enough to walk to Chambrun.

"You find out you are coming to Haiti - Emily, you could have ended up anywhere. You could be in Cap-Haitian, Jacmel, Jeremie...God put you right back in Chambrun...I think He is trying to tell you something! You belong here - I think you better listen!"

I can't believe it's been a year.

I would be dreadfully dishonest if I did not admit that 2010 has been one of the hardest years of my life. 2009 was beautiful, and full of promise and opportunity. Three mission trips, new friends, new church, spiritual growth, a plan I thought I could plow ahead with - but everything came to a screeching halt on January 12, 2010 and went downhill from there. Change of plans, disappointment, hurtful people and circumstances, leaving our church, losing friends...I though the last three months would end awesome...but that dream shattered when I boarded my plane back home two and a half months earlier then planned.

I will be happy to see the end of 2010.

It has been a year since I played in that orphanage...and tried to say goodbye that last night. I remember how the girls clung to me, I remember the heat and sweat and the way the car headlights cut through the darkness. I remember their tears and cries - at least twenty of them.

"Emily, please don't leave! Please, Emily - I need you! We need you!"

I promised them I would come back. I promised.

And when I came back in September I had every intention of keeping my promise. I drove by the road of the orphanage every day - but I put off my visit because I thought I had plenty of time...

It is that broken promise that keeps me awake now, and those cries through time that make me cry in the night.

But I have one thing to cling to...the burden and vision God revealed to me through those young girls and their cries and their desperation. It's why I want to go back; why I want to be a counselor; why I want to spend time and money going to school - because I love them. Because God loves them and I want to go back - to stay. And be prepared.

The verses of scripture for my reading today meant so much:

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusts in Thee. Trust ye in the LORD forever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength." Isaiah 26:3-4

The question for that reading said, "What is a steadfast mind and what are it's benefits?" I answered:

"To me, a steadfast mind is a mind with no doubts, no fears, no worries. The benefits are peace and confidence in your future, direction and purpose. A mind that is firmly established in the TRUTH and will not be swayed from that foundation at any cost or by any circumstance..."

The JOY of the LORD is my strength. I know I can rest in His peace, even when my life takes chaotic directions. There is a reason His peace is considered past understanding. There is no way else to explain it. He has given me a direction and a vision and a burden - something I didn't have even a year ago. And an iron will to carry it out. I have learned to live by the motto of the Roman Emperor Titus:  "Hasten Slowly."

I have learned to accept change, and the transition that every new and unexpected path takes - and to run towards it with open arms. I have learned to live in anticipation instead of complaining. To wait and to run.

I can't wait to see what 2011 brings.

Map tann...map vini.